Love and hate my ass…

A few days ago, I wanted to write an entry on “The Thin line between Love and Hate”. I was that screwed, just to give a taste of what it was like; here is a part of it.


When we love something and we can’t get it, we are in a bad situation. There are many reasons why we can’t get what we want, maybe it is with someone else or it is just not possible to get it coz of the million factors involved in the getting it. Whatever the reason, it is time we realize.

I was literally crumpling. I had no idea why, I couldn’t get my thoughts together, what I wanted to do, what I had to do, all that. I was completely messed up.

One night, I was discussing all that with Virat, and was telling him how messed up I was. Then all of a sudden a hippie friend of mine (a good guy, but annoying) started his normal routine of pissing me off by pleading me to death until I fulfilled his request. I was bummed already, and above that, the hippie keeps pestering me. Then after all this Vik realized I became too soft, I wasn’t the Cartman I was before and that I am being too kind and too nice to people. I was shocked myself when I realized that it was the truth. I became too soft.

He then started to tease me, by putting up status messages like “Cartman the new Hippie Slave!!!”, funny chat that was. It was the moment that a switch in me flicked and the Cartman in me woke up again. Then its that feeling of realizing how stupid you have been all the time, that you didn’t deserve to be in the situation you were in. Everything came back. I never believed in people changing in instants, but, that moment proved that I was wrong. My whole mindset changed, I was more rational than emotional, more cunning than naïve. Not actually a change, but being back to what I am!

The next day onwards everything was different, I felt like was one pedestal over everyone, that egoistic feel was amazing. I am back on track and the Cartman-ish feeling is great. The whole reason I was messed up became my main objective, sort of. I’m enjoying every second of it. I can’t stop smiling, at all, even if I’m surrounded by people, whenever I think about what I’ve decided to do, that evil smile comes up on my face and its not controllable. Even when I’m writing this, I’m smiling. I’m now so confident, I didn’t rewrite a single word of this blog, this is a continuous write, no going back and checking for if I was wrong and all. Its all proof I need to believe I’m stronger.

Cartman:God has told me how to make 10 million dollars!
Stan:how?
Cartman: Boy band.
Stan: Boy band?
Cartman: Boy band.
Stan: I’m not being part of any faggy boy band.
Cartman: Theres nothing faggy about 10 million dollars, asshole.

Looping into darkness

The wordings in the song Dreaming by System of a Down, clearly explain the state I am in

I’m saying:
You
You went beyond
And you lost it all
Why did you go there?
From beyond you saw it all
Why did you go there?

She lost her mind
Someone kicked her into the back of the line
She lost her head

I’m thinking:
Dreaming of screaming
Someone kick me out of my mind
I hate these thoughts I can’t deny
Dreaming of screaming
Someone kick me out of my mind
I hate these thoughts I can’t deny

Without my knowledge, this has become a routine, it keeps looping in my life. Only A few know what I am talking about, what the exact case is. But the whole situation has left me confused. I cant end it coz I’m having fun, at the same time the misery rather confusion I’m in, is making me think otherwise. One thing I can say for sure though, I never thought so much about anything in my entire life.